Pauliina FlamWhen you hear the word “sexology,” what comes to mind? What images take shape? What associations begin to blossom? And, most importantly, how does the word make you feel?
In my experience, sexology often feels like a shadowy, enigmatic subject, shrouded in taboos, misconceptions, and myths. Even my autocorrect seems unsure—it didn’t even catch a typo I made in the word “sexology”! This, to me, sounds like a modern recognition of how screwed up we are with this topic.
There are a few things I noticed during my sexology studies and sexual counseling practice. Few things that seem minor but their impact is enormous. Things that I encounter again and again. As a result, I am thrilled to label them as myths, and I am writing this to tell you why.
Sexuality equals sex
“What is there to study? I learned sex once, and that’s it—it’s like riding a bicycle,” my friend quipped when I shared my new field of study. “Will you be combining travel with your new venture, e.g. sex in unusual locations?“ commented a viewer on YouTube under a video, where I announced my upcoming sexology-related videos. “This is a taboo in our community so you won’t get clients here,” warned an organization I approached for a practice opportunity. These reactions made me realize a common misconception: when people hear “sexology,” they think it’s all about sex. They probably think I study how to have sex, and they probably think that in counseling sessions, we talk solely about that.
The truth is that sexology is a vast, multidisciplinary field. It explores gender identity, communication, attachment, curiosity, setting and respecting boundaries, fantasies, enjoyment and desire, skills for intimacy, and the relationships we develop with our own bodies. And these are just a few of the many matters sexology includes. In comparison to the number of those matters, sex takes a tiny part.
Historical misunderstandings of sexuality illustrate this well. When Freud introduced the concept of infantile sexuality, many were scandalized, associating “sexuality” with sex. Freud’s insights (Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality, 1905), revealed that sexuality encompasses a broad range of human experiences, including emotional bonds, sensations, and desires, which manifest from infancy through adulthood. Today it is not big news. Nowadays, developmental psychology widely acknowledges that sexuality is a natural and essential part of being human. Sexuality is not confined to acts of sex but includes aspects like attachment, trust, and emotional resonance. This portrays how sexuality is something all humans have no matter the age. We are inherently sexual beings throughout our entire lifespan. Sexual counseling often works on understanding oneself, navigating relationships, and fostering intimacy. While the word “sex” may dominate public perceptions of sexology, the reality is that this field delves into the intricate nature of human connection, growth, and self-expression. So, as you can figure out, the majority of things I study are not about the sexual act itself, same as the majority of things we discuss at sexual counseling are not about it either.
Porn equals sex
I think that most of us did not get a good sex education. At least at my elementary school sex education was all about contraception. So, basically how not to die, how not to get sick, and how not to have unwanted kids. Good things to know, but this does not get you ready for the complexity of a sexual life. When I imagine what a well-rounded sex education should include, I think of topics like building a positive relationship with your body, exploring gender identity, understanding the diverse types of relationships people can have, fostering intimacy, setting and respecting boundaries, matters of trust, matters of consent, porn literacy and learning how to communicate about desires and limits. If you’re like me, your sex ed teacher probably didn’t touch on these topics—or even mention them at all. So, it’s no surprise that many people turn to porn to fill in the gaps. After all, you have to learn somewhere, right?
The challenge is that porn is not designed to educate—it’s meant to entertain and stimulate as a fantasy. When approached with that understanding, porn can serve as a tool to spark ideas, explore fantasies, enhance arousal, or achieve release. As a tool porn can be fun and just one part of many in one’s sex life. But when people take it as an example, they often start comparing themselves to what they see: wondering if they look like porn actors, sound like them, or perform like them. These bring pressure and anxiety into their sex lives—two surefire killers of pleasure.
What we see in porn is a polished product, the result of meticulous preparation, editing, and often a team of people ensuring everything looks flawless. We don’t see the hours of setup, the retakes, or the scenes that were cut entirely. So, trying to reenact these scenes without the same resources will logically leave anyone feeling disappointed.
Thankfully, there’s been a shift in the industry with the rise of real homemade videos and the growing popularity of ethical or “eco-porn,” which often showcases a more authentic depiction of sex. Still, in my experience as a counselor, it’s clear that many people struggle with unrealistic expectations when the reality of their own sex lives doesn’t align with the glossy, curated images on the screen.
Good sex happens on its own
A common belief many people hold is that in a loving relationship, sex will naturally always be great. Some take it even further, assuming that if the sex isn’t great, then the love isn’t real. The reality, however, is far more nuanced: it’s entirely possible to have incredible sex without being in love, and equally possible to deeply love someone yet struggle with your sex life.
Satisfying sex requires a variety of skills and elements, such as being present, setting and respecting boundaries, fostering vulnerability, practicing attunement, and cultivating curiosity. 9 It can also depend on practical factors like setting the mood, creating a comfortable atmosphere, or using specific tools or gadgets. These aspects are just the tip of the iceberg, but they illustrate why fulfilling intimacy often takes deliberate effort and intention.
Many sexologists mention a disbalance in how much time and effort we put into our hobbies and how we feel uncomfortable doing so for our sex lives. I have a passion for mountain hiking. Alas, we don’t really have mountains in Finland so my excitement naturally rises at the moment I have a perspective for a vacation. Then I check flights to possible destinations, google routes, and check the misty paths and mighty peaks in Google Earth. I imagine being there and the shiver runs down my body. Then comes the actual preparation—getting the right hiking boots, gathering supplies, ensuring safety—so that when I’m finally there, I can be fully present in the experience. And when I finally feel the rocks under my feet and the sweat running down my face, tired and exhausted I am wearing the dumbest smile because I feel absolutely happy. And no matter how much I imagined this very moment, the real one always tops my imagination. No need to say I start dreaming, preparing, and planning my next hike the moment I get down the mountain.
Now imagine if we took the same approach to our sex lives. We often hesitate to do so. Why? Part of the challenge is the cultural history of taboos surrounding sex. Because of this many people lack the language or the framework to discuss and develop their sexual lives. It’s not that we don’t want to take responsibility—it’s that we often don’t know how to. Intimacy, boundary-setting, being attuned, and cultivating presence can feel daunting, but they aren’t insurmountable. If anything, finding the right hiking boots might be harder (speaking from a blister-filled experience).
Another barrier is the influence of mass media. Countless movies, books, and songs romanticize unrealistic depictions of sex and love, portraying trauma responses, anxious attachment, and even codependency as “true passionate love.” These narratives shape our expectations in unhelpful ways.
What’s important to remember is that it’s neither silly nor shameful to put effort into a fulfilling sex life. Just as it’s reasonable to prepare for a hike, it’s entirely valid to learn, develop, practice, plan, and even schedule what’s needed for good sex to happen. It’s not embarrassing to read, ask questions, or seek tools to enhance intimacy. Continuous effort and exploration lead to different, enriching experiences. Just like with new hiking trails comes a new kind of challenge and a new kind of satisfaction.
Just saying a word is enough
It’s often said by counselors, psychologists, and therapists alike that communication is the key to healthy relationships. Well, here it goes again: it really is. It is obviously a challenge to fix anything if people do not talk at all, but what I want to talk about right now is the scenario where they do talk, they just end up having different experiences about it.
Many times people talk about things but have absolutely different perceptions of what happened during the conversation. It can happen for different reasons, one of them is that we are deliberately sure we share the same understanding of words and the same experience of events. The big revelation is – we don’t!
The word sex itself can mean so many things. It can obviously mean different ways of stimulation but it can also mean different feelings one is going for. For one person, sex might mean a passionate and emotional connection. For another, it could be a form of domination and submission. Someone else might view it as a playful experimentation game with toys and new sensations, while another sees it as a spiritual bonding experience. Sex can be these things and many more, or even all of them at different times in one person’s life. So, when someone asks, “Do you want to have sex?” they may not realize how little they actually communicated. The consent they receive could be for something entirely different than what they intended. The same goes with relationship types or really any word that you think includes a set of behaviors and feelings that you do not discuss. People talk about having dates, sex, and relationships without specifying what all of these include for them. And, usually, not taking into account that for the other person this all can mean something completely else. So when someone says “We talked about it”, I have to find out “Did they really?”.
Consent for a deed does not mean consent for intention
Imagine a scenario where you’ve been humiliated at work, leaving you feeling worthless. To regain a sense of self-worth and restore your ego, you feel the urge to engage in a sexual encounter where you dominate. However, obtaining consent for the act of sex does not inherently mean you have your partner’s consent to use the experience to “fix your ego”.
Similarly, consider a situation where an upsetting event leaves you feeling confused, sad, or worried. You may seek comfort and emotional regulation through sex. While your partner may consent to the act of sex, they may not be aware—or have agreed—that the encounter is intended as a tool for managing your emotional state.
A powerful example of this complexity is portrayed in the TV series Special. In one episode, the protagonist, a person with a disability, engages in a sexual encounter with someone who is aroused by their disability. Later, the main character reflects on how unsettling the experience felt. Note that their partner never openly communicated this intention or sought their consent for it.
Even when verbal consent is given for an act, unspoken motivations can leave one or both partners feeling uneasy or even exploited. When sex feels “off” despite consent, it may be because consent was not fully informed or mutual regarding the underlying intentions. Open communication about intentions and emotional dynamics is vital to ensure both parties feel respected and understood in their shared experiences. These are a few things I stumbled upon so far. Do you recognize any sexuality-related myths we might blindly accept as truth without questioning them? Let me know.
